Friendship is a Mysterious Thing

It’s funny when I look back to when I started working at the office. I wasn’t really friends with anyone, just the two people that I talked to from coming every Monday. Now it’s been 3 months since I’ve worked there and I feel like it’s great. Everyone gets along very well. Sometimes we would all huddle together for a good laugh. The atmosphere is nice- minus the sometimes ridiculous requests we get for work…

The more I think about it, the more I think it’s a mysterious thing. I’ve had other jobs before where I wasn’t close to everyone there or got along great with everyone there, but here it’s different. I’ve gotten to know almost everyone on an emotional level. Everyone is very similar at the core of who we are. I wonder… is that what friendship is?… People who are similar at the core?…

A Woman Has to Wake Up Early to Cook and Clean For the Family

My mom has yelled at me countless times today, “You are a woman. You have to wake up early to clean the entire house and cook for the family. You’re not supposed to sleep in until 12 and make me do all that. I’m old, you should be serving me while I should be doing nothing.”

I hope I’m not the only one that can hear the sound of a car screeching to a halt. To me, this IS a slap to the face. Since I’m working full-time now, I’m dead tired. I’m dealing with a boss that doesn’t listen so I have to constantly repeat myself that what he wants is impossible, I want to assume that since I’m an introvert being around so many people just drains me more than I realize, I have long days (where lunch is only 30 mins and I eat at my desk while working) + an hour long commute both ways, and then when I want to come home to relax, instead I come home to my mom wanting to talk about her feelings and how much she hates me. Within all of this, I have to deal with my own things. If I want a better job, there’s my writer’s portfolio that I am currently trying to build up with writing samples, there’s me trying to learn Japanese/Spanish (since both languages are very helpful to me if I want to apply for certain companies in the future), and then there’s me trying to learn more about writing. There’s so many rules to learn that I really just need to crack at it everyday. My stress level is already at the peak and then she goes and says, “Because you’re a woman you have to cook and clean. That’s what women do, we cook and clean for our husband and children.” What burns me the most is when she goes as far as to say, “Yeah, well maybe you need a husband and give birth to some children before you realize how hard it is.” Uhhh WHAT?! Fact: My mom was a homemaker the entire time that she raised my brothers and me and even now, so she doesn’t know what it even means to work. She never had to deal with raising us kids and balancing that out with a work life. Yet, she goes and says something like “Go get a husband and make kids”. What kind of mother says that kind of thing?!

It’s funny. Most girls my age probably would’ve done so in spite. “Well you told me to get knocked up, so I did. What? So I’m bad now for listening to you?” There are a few people that I’ve heard of that have done and said such things. In a way, I do applaud them for being bold, but at the same time, seeing as how their lives went down the drain for this bit of revenge, bold and rash are not a good mix for revenge. Anyway, so I don’t bother to change to please her. I clean the bathrooms and do all the laundry without fail. I make my own lunches and sometimes make my second older brother’s “lunch” since he works the graveyard shift. To me, that’s good enough. I’m just going to be extremely tired if I have to wake up at 7am on a Saturday and a Sunday just to clean the house and cook for the family then stay up late at night trying to get everything in. At the same time I know for a fact that even if I did do all of this, she’ll just complain that she has nothing to do and then cause more problems for me. Then she’ll want to talk about her feelings more. Then she’ll want to spend more time with me while watching me do the chores. I am introvert who LOVES/NEEDS alone time. You can imagine how much this stresses me out.

At the same time, I really don’t appreciate her comments. I know what’s right for me. So what if I don’t fold up my bed the way Asians do? I’m tired most days. I want to crawl in and out of bed to maximize my sleep time. So what if I don’t wake up until 12 on a Saturday and Sunday? I have a mild case of insomnia because of her (back from the days where I would go to bed at 1am after studying, and have to wake up at 6 in the morning, but she decides that she wants to argue and cause a ruckus from 3 am to 5 am) that I’m still waking up 3-4 times a night, making me more tired than I should be.

Long story short, that reason is idiotic. I have better things to do with my life than learn how to cook and clean more than I already know. I can survive and maintain a house with what I know, why would I need to spend time learning more when I have more important things to do with my life. Is this a frustration because of a generation gap? That is what I really wonder…

I’m Not a Sensitive Person and Yet Sometimes…

It’s an odd thing that I’ve come to realize this lately. I’m not a sensitive person, which is a concept that I know for the longest time. With the lifestyle that I live, if I was a sensitive person, I wouldn’t survive. Yet sometimes, I’m just so sensitive.

The other day I made a few mistakes at work. The client wasn’t happy, but we managed to smooth it over. After that, I got the “You’re messing things up and making me lose money” look from my boss, even though this account hasn’t been producing money for four months now, but of course as the underling, I am to be blamed. I was borderline having what I think to be panic attacks (since the symptoms match up.) It was something that I felt a lot while in college, but now has lessened. Yet I just can’t take bad news well. It brings me back to those days in college and the feelings that I shoved away flood back out and then… you can guess what happened. It takes me such a long time to calm myself now, but I always manage to.

Another thing, I’m just so sensitive to romance and sex-related talk. I don’t mind if it’s unrelated to me. People can talk about it all they want, make dirty jokes, etc. I really don’t mind. I admit, sometimes it’s actually funny, but when people start to involve me in it, then I’m overly too sensitive. My fight-or-flight response instantly goes into flight mode and I’d rather avoid this person. I don’t want to hear what they think about me or anything beyond that. I don’t even want to hear anything unless it’s of an innocent nature meaning I’d rather avoid both topics if it’s about me and another person. People always say that to me, “You’re so innocent.” I admit that I am. I’m still of that mindset that I want to find the good in people that when people blurt out such intentions, it makes me want to run for the hills. I don’t want to be around people who have these intentions towards me. Even if they never plan to act out on it, it’s still a red-flag to me. I’ve played with fire most of my life, I know better than to play to get burnt.

“You Won’t Have a Problem Finding a Boyfriend”

(I thought I posted this a long time ago… apparently I didn’t. Odd...)

Once my coworkers found out that I am not in a relationship, instantly they said to me, “You won’t have a problem finding a boyfriend.” I, honestly, do not know how to respond to that. It’s a compliment… but at the same time, I never asked them about it. For some reason people keep assuming that someone who isn’t in a romance is actively looking for one. Though, I appreciate that in terms of looks/personality they think that I won’t have any problems, but for me, I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I’m happy just being single. I know once you say those words people assume you’re lying, you can’t find a boyfriend or that you just came out of a horrible relationship. For me, it’s none of the three. Society has put too much emphasis on relationships and their importance. What’s wrong with being single? You’re free to do as you please. You can go by your own pace. Sure, holidays somewhat make you feel left out, but why be in a romance if that’s not what you need in your life? Too many people I know think that romance is a cure-all. It’s not! People tell me to be open to having a romance. I admit that I am, but only if Mr. Close-to-Perfect-for-Me shows up. I will not settle for anything less. When I tell them this, they think I’m picky. I think that being in a romance that you know from the get-go has a high chance of failure is worse than being single. Maybe it’s just me…

Twisting Words

After yet another explosive argument with my mom, since she doesn’t understand the meaning of space and “I don’t want to listen to you whine about something I’ve told you a billion times now, that it isn’t how you think it is,” she and my dad yelled at me to leave the room. I’ve hit that point in my life where I realized that I should’ve done it as a kid. That “game” where you test how far you can go before you push your parent’s buttons enough; just to know where your limit is. It was hilarious in a very odd way. I’m doing this now as an adult. Standing up for myself. Back when I was younger, I wouldn’t even think of doing things like this because I thought it was bad and I didn’t want to cause problems for my parents. Now I realized that I shouldn’t do that to myself. I never tried to push their buttons to see what the limit was. Even with all of that, I’m still the “demon child.” So if I’m still considered that, I don’t see why I shouldn’t just do the things that I’ve wanted to do. Say the things I’ve wanted to tell them, but didn’t because I cared about their feelings. Which, quite frankly, my feelings never mattered to them.

To back track, my mom comes to me to complain about how my older brother isn’t calling her for the x billionth time (this is been going on since my teens). She claims that he must hate her. She claims that’s just how us rotten kids are and she regrets having us. That’s she ashamed of us.

Alright… so you’re going to your kid to complain about how rotten they are? You tell that to your kid, who’s trying her best to keep herself together after so many years this kind of verbal abuse and still, through it all, is trying to make something of herself without any help from you, and you’ll telling me I have no right to be angry?

Then after all of this, the whole argument apparently was my fault. The hilarious part, “I can’t believe you would bring things from other times into this argument and make it more complex.” Uhhh yeah, I can’t believe it either, because I didn’t do it. SHE did. Yet, she keeps twisting it so that I was the one who incited all of this.

As always, being a child puts me at the losing end. Yet to that I say, the time is ticking. Soon enough, I will get a Full-Time job soon. I hope for soon as possible. Then I can move out of this hell and move on with my life.

Saving Other People

I find this an interesting thing. When a person feels the need to save another person from themselves. Yet, I wonder, does this person realize that maybe,just maybe, the other person didn’t want to be saved?

It’s not the first time it’s happened to me. A person wants to get to know me. They poke and poke and poke, until I finally tell them about my past and my current situation. It’s not fun, I’ll tell you that. As a person who wants to move on, the last thing I want to do is keep digging up my past. Then when I do dig all of that back up, of course, I’m going to be upset! It took me quite some time to bury it the first time around! Then this other person thinks that my being upset means that they have to save me. Truth is, I don’t need saving. It adds onto my agony when people try to save me. “You should do X,” “You should try X” Gee… don’t you think that I’ve tried all of those already? If you listened to my story/really got to know me, you would know I’m not the kind of person who likes to sit still if there’s a way I can fix things. Yet these people still say, “Try this!”

I understand that they have good intentions. Yet at the same time, they should see that I’m not some broken down, little girl who is not able to do anything for herself. That was the old me. The current me is already past all that and knows what works for me (for the most part.) The last thing I need is for someone to come along and think what I need is saving. I don’t need saving. I need time to get over things. I need positive people to show me what I was missing out on during my time in the dark.

So to the people out there that think you’re doing someone a favor, why not ask them if you are or if you aren’t doing them a favor? Keep in mind that your good intentions can be more hurtful than helpful.

Don’t Tell Me How To Live My Life

It frustrating. It’s an ongoing struggle with my mom and certain other friends that I have. I told them, “I don’t want to have kids in the future” and they give me this look that says, “Blasphemy!” I’ve written about this before on why I don’t want to have kids, so I won’t go into that again, but it’s just so frustrating. I make my life choices after years of thinking about it, it’s not like I woke up one morning saying, “No kids for me~!” So it frustrates me when people tell me the following:

  • “You’ll change your mind once you’re in a meaningful relationship”
  • “You should keep your options open.”
  • “People say that and then they change their minds again later on.”

And the one that I hate the most:

  • “It’s not your choice whether or not you have kids.”

WHAT?! How is it not my choice?! These people make me pull my hair out. I don’t appreciate people telling me how I should live my life and what I should or should not be open to. If I do the same to them I’m sure they’ll eventually say, “It’s not your business” to which I’ll reply, “Then get out of my mine!” Honestly, if I had kids, it’s not their problem. It’s mine. I’m the one who has to deal with it. Yet, why are they taking a say in this? Then they start saying, “Susan, you’re so closed-minded and stubborn.” I admit that I am being that way. Generally, I am a very open-minded person TO OTHER PEOPLE. I don’t go around judging what other people do. Yet when it comes to my own beliefs and what I feel is right for me, that I am rather close-minded about. For I am the only one who knows that I need the most and what is right for me. Also, I find that the more that I am open-minded, the more people are telling me what to do with my life. So what if I don’t want to have kids? I have my reasons. I’m not going to change my mind about this.

I have my own dreams and my goals. I am my own person. I’m not a person who doesn’t know what she wants and what’s good for her.

To all the people who think they know what’s best for me: Don’t tell me how to live my life because I’m not telling you how to live yours.