Being in Love is Hard

With my current boyfriend, I get my feelings hurt all the time. I really need to see him, but I can’t. I really need to be with him, but I can’t. We’re in a tough situation where the situation doesn’t allow for us to be together so often that getting to see him once or twice a week is considered to be amazing. As much as we’re hopeful that this will change soon, at the same time, I always feel like it’s me who gets my feelings hurt. Sometimes, I just take a step back and ask myself, “Why are you doing this?” I used to be so independent and so proud that I wasn’t with anybody and I was still fine. I know that I don’t need him to do my job, to function, to eat, to breathe, and to live. I definitely know I can live without him! I’m my own entity. Yet… it’s not the same without him.

It’s such an odd phenomena that I can’t quite put my finger onto it. To put it simply, “That’s love.” However, the philosopher/scientist side of me says that’s not good enough as a reason. Thinking more about it, loving someone is an emotional dependency on that person. No matter how you look at it, in some way or another, there is some emotional dependency and once you take away the object of your emotional dependency, there’s a hole or gap that will exist. Ultimately it is up to you to decide how you want to deal with this acknowledgement of the gap, but regardless, it’s hard.

I think the problem also lies in expectations vs reality. We see these great romances in movies – some that end in tragedy, of course – but there’s something so beautiful in it. The raw emotions, I suppose?  These people who fall in love and go through so many trials to end up in this happy union. However, there lacks the part where there is peace and yet hardship still exists since most movies just end at the moment that the trials end and they truly get their start. To me, the best way to describe love is that you’re happy, but you’re not. It’s complicated and it sucks, but you don’t really mind. You can’t tolerate it, but you do anyways. Love is a mix of contradicting emotions. What’s a person to do?

The Lying Lady

Hello Everyone,

I’m back again from a long hiatus. A lot of things have happened during this six? month duration. Long story short, I left my parents home, got into a serious relationship, got a new job, and simply put, living life.

Anyway, as requested by my good friend, Orchidus, I’ll do my best to get to elaborating more on my thoughts on everything that’s happened since then… at different times of course, but today, I thought I’d make my comeback with something that happened today that just… that just… made me so angry. Angry at myself and the lady who I shall call the “Lying Lady”.

Here we go~

This morning started the same as always. A long over an hour commute to my new job…I’m there at the office at 9:25am. I’m expected there at 9:30am, so I’m glad that I’m early… even if five minutes. Then my day starts. I’m not really able to find people to submit for my positions. As always I get frustrated, but as always my coworkers give me the expression of, “Yeah… I feel you…” but today, I felt a little bit better about things. Just slightly better than the norm.

Each hour rolls by. Getting a little bit luckier than normal, I was able to successfully submit some people for my positions. Then finally it’s 1pm. After submitting one more person, I head off to a nearby sandwich chain restaurant. I didn’t think much of it. I like their sandwiches and there was a location near my office so “Why not?” I thought. I walked in, made my order, and paid for my sandwich, chips, and soda. I then tried to find a quiet place to sit and eat, though a part of me was aching for me to have just gotten it to-go…. something that I later wish I had done…

After maneuvering for a minute or so, I finally found a spot that I was satisfied with. I sat down, unwrapped my sandwich and I took a bite. Delicious~ I took another bite and I was satisfied. Suddenly a lady with a 2 or 3-year-old daughter and a baby in a stroller rolled by.

“Please buy my baby a sandwich.” She quickly pleaded.

“I’m sorry, what?” I responded not believing what I heard.

“Please buy my baby a sandwich. She’s hungry and it’s just a sandwich. Just for her, not for me.” She said with such conviction as she gestured between her and her toddler.

I paused for a moment, I had a gut feeling that she was not sincere, so I told her “I’m sorry, no,” I shook my head,”Sorry.”

“Please. Please. It’s for my baby, not for me. Just a sandwich. That’s all I ask.” She pleaded again.

I was starting to get annoyed. “I’m sorry, but no.” I said with a firm voice.

“It’s not for me. It’s for my baby! Please!”

I was getting more and more annoyed. I looked at her, I knew what my gut was telling me. I’m rarely ever wrong, but I sighed and I decided to hand her my chips.

She looked at them, “No, I already have chips.” She pointed to the small bag of chips on the stroller. “Please, a sandwich. For my baby.”

I sighed and then stupidly agreed to buy her a sandwich. “God bless you! God bless you!” She said so joyfully, but I begrudgingly went along. I took my bag with me and went with her. She started ordering. Instead of a reasonable 6inch for “her baby”, she ordered a footlong. I started to get suspicious but then both the guy making her the sandwich and the Lying Lady told me to sit down and continue eating. That this shouldn’t prevent me from eating my food. I agreed and went back since I was starving. Before I knew it, her “only a sandwich” turned into a sandwich, chips, and a soda. I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t even pay this much for myself! Let alone a Lying Lady who harassed me into buying food for “her baby”!

I was getting angry. I quickly finished my sandwich, and went to pay for the meal. The cashier handed me back my card with the receipt with a smile on his face. A soft “Thank You” he said as though to say, “You’re so kind.” I smiled a little back, knowing that to me, it did not feel right at all. I then started to walk towards the exit left. While walking by, I noticed from the corner of my eye, she was eating the sandwich herself! So much for the sandwich being for her baby!

I confirmed two things today: 1) I should listen to my gut and 2)I should never let someone harass me into charity. Charity is not charity if you are harassed into doing it.

I spent the rest of the day wishing I had just stayed firm and kept saying “No” or just took my food and left. The other thing is, I assumed the staff would have done something to stop her, but no. They did nothing! To say the least, I won’t be going back there again.

As for the lying lady, though as much as I wonder why she did what she did. The look on her face, to me, shows of someone who enjoys lying to people. There’s a clear difference between someone who asking earnestly and someone who is asking to leech. She was of the latter. How happily she looked eating that sandwich. That victorious smile beaming from her face. It’s sickening…

Anyway, so my thoughts on this before I call it a night. I don’t know about other people, but for me, I’d rather the person be honest with me. I hate people like this. Lying. Using their kids as a means to their ends. What kind of parent does that?! Honestly, I would pay for the meal of some random stranger who says that they don’t money, is hungry and just wanted a subway sandwich meal. If I had time, I’d rather sit and listen to their story and then actually pay for it. They were honest. They took their time. So in a way it would be like paying for a story.

Well enjoy that food for thought until next time!



Friendship is a Mysterious Thing

It’s funny when I look back to when I started working at the office. I wasn’t really friends with anyone, just the two people that I talked to from coming every Monday. Now it’s been 3 months since I’ve worked there and I feel like it’s great. Everyone gets along very well. Sometimes we would all huddle together for a good laugh. The atmosphere is nice- minus the sometimes ridiculous requests we get for work…

The more I think about it, the more I think it’s a mysterious thing. I’ve had other jobs before where I wasn’t close to everyone there or got along great with everyone there, but here it’s different. I’ve gotten to know almost everyone on an emotional level. Everyone is very similar at the core of who we are. I wonder… is that what friendship is?… People who are similar at the core?…

A Woman Has to Wake Up Early to Cook and Clean For the Family

My mom has yelled at me countless times today, “You are a woman. You have to wake up early to clean the entire house and cook for the family. You’re not supposed to sleep in until 12 and make me do all that. I’m old, you should be serving me while I should be doing nothing.”

I hope I’m not the only one that can hear the sound of a car screeching to a halt. To me, this IS a slap to the face. Since I’m working full-time now, I’m dead tired. I’m dealing with a boss that doesn’t listen so I have to constantly repeat myself that what he wants is impossible, I want to assume that since I’m an introvert being around so many people just drains me more than I realize, I have long days (where lunch is only 30 mins and I eat at my desk while working) + an hour long commute both ways, and then when I want to come home to relax, instead I come home to my mom wanting to talk about her feelings and how much she hates me. Within all of this, I have to deal with my own things. If I want a better job, there’s my writer’s portfolio that I am currently trying to build up with writing samples, there’s me trying to learn Japanese/Spanish (since both languages are very helpful to me if I want to apply for certain companies in the future), and then there’s me trying to learn more about writing. There’s so many rules to learn that I really just need to crack at it everyday. My stress level is already at the peak and then she goes and says, “Because you’re a woman you have to cook and clean. That’s what women do, we cook and clean for our husband and children.” What burns me the most is when she goes as far as to say, “Yeah, well maybe you need a husband and give birth to some children before you realize how hard it is.” Uhhh WHAT?! Fact: My mom was a homemaker the entire time that she raised my brothers and me and even now, so she doesn’t know what it even means to work. She never had to deal with raising us kids and balancing that out with a work life. Yet, she goes and says something like “Go get a husband and make kids”. What kind of mother says that kind of thing?!

It’s funny. Most girls my age probably would’ve done so in spite. “Well you told me to get knocked up, so I did. What? So I’m bad now for listening to you?” There are a few people that I’ve heard of that have done and said such things. In a way, I do applaud them for being bold, but at the same time, seeing as how their lives went down the drain for this bit of revenge, bold and rash are not a good mix for revenge. Anyway, so I don’t bother to change to please her. I clean the bathrooms and do all the laundry without fail. I make my own lunches and sometimes make my second older brother’s “lunch” since he works the graveyard shift. To me, that’s good enough. I’m just going to be extremely tired if I have to wake up at 7am on a Saturday and a Sunday just to clean the house and cook for the family then stay up late at night trying to get everything in. At the same time I know for a fact that even if I did do all of this, she’ll just complain that she has nothing to do and then cause more problems for me. Then she’ll want to talk about her feelings more. Then she’ll want to spend more time with me while watching me do the chores. I am introvert who LOVES/NEEDS alone time. You can imagine how much this stresses me out.

At the same time, I really don’t appreciate her comments. I know what’s right for me. So what if I don’t fold up my bed the way Asians do? I’m tired most days. I want to crawl in and out of bed to maximize my sleep time. So what if I don’t wake up until 12 on a Saturday and Sunday? I have a mild case of insomnia because of her (back from the days where I would go to bed at 1am after studying, and have to wake up at 6 in the morning, but she decides that she wants to argue and cause a ruckus from 3 am to 5 am) that I’m still waking up 3-4 times a night, making me more tired than I should be.

Long story short, that reason is idiotic. I have better things to do with my life than learn how to cook and clean more than I already know. I can survive and maintain a house with what I know, why would I need to spend time learning more when I have more important things to do with my life. Is this a frustration because of a generation gap? That is what I really wonder…

I’m Not a Sensitive Person and Yet Sometimes…

It’s an odd thing that I’ve come to realize this lately. I’m not a sensitive person, which is a concept that I know for the longest time. With the lifestyle that I live, if I was a sensitive person, I wouldn’t survive. Yet sometimes, I’m just so sensitive.

The other day I made a few mistakes at work. The client wasn’t happy, but we managed to smooth it over. After that, I got the “You’re messing things up and making me lose money” look from my boss, even though this account hasn’t been producing money for four months now, but of course as the underling, I am to be blamed. I was borderline having what I think to be panic attacks (since the symptoms match up.) It was something that I felt a lot while in college, but now has lessened. Yet I just can’t take bad news well. It brings me back to those days in college and the feelings that I shoved away flood back out and then… you can guess what happened. It takes me such a long time to calm myself now, but I always manage to.

Another thing, I’m just so sensitive to romance and sex-related talk. I don’t mind if it’s unrelated to me. People can talk about it all they want, make dirty jokes, etc. I really don’t mind. I admit, sometimes it’s actually funny, but when people start to involve me in it, then I’m overly too sensitive. My fight-or-flight response instantly goes into flight mode and I’d rather avoid this person. I don’t want to hear what they think about me or anything beyond that. I don’t even want to hear anything unless it’s of an innocent nature meaning I’d rather avoid both topics if it’s about me and another person. People always say that to me, “You’re so innocent.” I admit that I am. I’m still of that mindset that I want to find the good in people that when people blurt out such intentions, it makes me want to run for the hills. I don’t want to be around people who have these intentions towards me. Even if they never plan to act out on it, it’s still a red-flag to me. I’ve played with fire most of my life, I know better than to play to get burnt.

“You Won’t Have a Problem Finding a Boyfriend”

(I thought I posted this a long time ago… apparently I didn’t. Odd...)

Once my coworkers found out that I am not in a relationship, instantly they said to me, “You won’t have a problem finding a boyfriend.” I, honestly, do not know how to respond to that. It’s a compliment… but at the same time, I never asked them about it. For some reason people keep assuming that someone who isn’t in a romance is actively looking for one. Though, I appreciate that in terms of looks/personality they think that I won’t have any problems, but for me, I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I’m happy just being single. I know once you say those words people assume you’re lying, you can’t find a boyfriend or that you just came out of a horrible relationship. For me, it’s none of the three. Society has put too much emphasis on relationships and their importance. What’s wrong with being single? You’re free to do as you please. You can go by your own pace. Sure, holidays somewhat make you feel left out, but why be in a romance if that’s not what you need in your life? Too many people I know think that romance is a cure-all. It’s not! People tell me to be open to having a romance. I admit that I am, but only if Mr. Close-to-Perfect-for-Me shows up. I will not settle for anything less. When I tell them this, they think I’m picky. I think that being in a romance that you know from the get-go has a high chance of failure is worse than being single. Maybe it’s just me…

Twisting Words

After yet another explosive argument with my mom, since she doesn’t understand the meaning of space and “I don’t want to listen to you whine about something I’ve told you a billion times now, that it isn’t how you think it is,” she and my dad yelled at me to leave the room. I’ve hit that point in my life where I realized that I should’ve done it as a kid. That “game” where you test how far you can go before you push your parent’s buttons enough; just to know where your limit is. It was hilarious in a very odd way. I’m doing this now as an adult. Standing up for myself. Back when I was younger, I wouldn’t even think of doing things like this because I thought it was bad and I didn’t want to cause problems for my parents. Now I realized that I shouldn’t do that to myself. I never tried to push their buttons to see what the limit was. Even with all of that, I’m still the “demon child.” So if I’m still considered that, I don’t see why I shouldn’t just do the things that I’ve wanted to do. Say the things I’ve wanted to tell them, but didn’t because I cared about their feelings. Which, quite frankly, my feelings never mattered to them.

To back track, my mom comes to me to complain about how my older brother isn’t calling her for the x billionth time (this is been going on since my teens). She claims that he must hate her. She claims that’s just how us rotten kids are and she regrets having us. That’s she ashamed of us.

Alright… so you’re going to your kid to complain about how rotten they are? You tell that to your kid, who’s trying her best to keep herself together after so many years this kind of verbal abuse and still, through it all, is trying to make something of herself without any help from you, and you’ll telling me I have no right to be angry?

Then after all of this, the whole argument apparently was my fault. The hilarious part, “I can’t believe you would bring things from other times into this argument and make it more complex.” Uhhh yeah, I can’t believe it either, because I didn’t do it. SHE did. Yet, she keeps twisting it so that I was the one who incited all of this.

As always, being a child puts me at the losing end. Yet to that I say, the time is ticking. Soon enough, I will get a Full-Time job soon. I hope for soon as possible. Then I can move out of this hell and move on with my life.